If I Had Legs I’d Kick You Movie Review

“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is a slow-motion slide down a slippery slope of anxiety and depression. A woman who is trained to help others deal with their emotional issues finds it impossible to deal with all of her own. She sinks in deeper and deeper, and dark clouds of doubt surround her.

Linda (played by Rose Byrne) is a trained therapist working at a small clinic with very few others. She has one co-worker, who is also acting as Linda’s own shrink. This person, known as the Therapist (played by Conan O’Brien) keeps all of Linda’s problems at bay. He refuses to give her advice or ideas about how to deal with things.

Linda has a young daughter, but this girl has a medical condition. The Child (played by Delaney Quinn), is always heard by Linda, by she never really sees her daughter. Because the girl has an issue with digestion, she is fed extra calories with a medically-inserted stomach tube. Linda’s job is to fix up some awful goop and keep a feeding machine going at night.

The house where Linda lives with the Child has a major problem. One night, the ceiling falls in and water gushes everywhere. Her husband is Charles (played by Christian Slater) and he is in the service. So, he is rarely home to help with anything.  All of these problems weigh on Linda’s fragile emotional state. They need to move into a motel until the house is renovated.

Linda needs to make trips weekly to see the doctor who is helping the Child. Dr. Spring (played by Mary Bronstein) is always making comments that the Child is not gaining the weight that she needs. Of course, this all gets to Linda, and the type of care that she provides the girl. Just like everything else in her life, the visits to the doctor’s clinic are full of anxiety and guilt.

Moved into the hotel for the time being, Linda feels even more adrift. The woman who is the hotel clerk is named Diana (played by Ivy Wolk). She gets into arguments every night with Linda about everything. Linda buys a bottle of wine every night to drown her sorrows. She meets a fellow who lives a few doors down.

This guy is named James (played by A$AP Rocky) and he does his best to try to be friendly to Linda. Linda is so tense and concerned about being judged that she says she would rather spend her time alone. But eventually, she does find that James can offer some friendship. Oh, and also some pretty good weed every now and then.

Linda feels distant from the Child, and she feels removed from her husband Charles. Anytime he calls, the Child wants to hog all the time on the phone. Linda says there are important things to decide, but the topic turns to getting a hamster for the Child. Linda is totally against this idea. But she is outnumbered two to one – and she feels that she lost again. It turns out a hamster was a bad idea…

Linda sees patients where she works, and one of these is a young woman named Caroline (played by Danielle Macdonald). She and her husband just had a little baby, and she brings in the baby to every session. Linda does not like this idea, and tells Caroline this is not helping her therapy.

One day Caroline brings the baby, and Linda is again frustrated. Caroline leaves use the bathroom. But, then she never returns. Linda is aghast and in a panic. She goes down the hallway and barges into the office of the Therapist. Of course, he is with a patient and feels that Linda’s problems are things she needs to deal with. His sour-puss face gets an extra dose of sneer and loathing.

All this time, Linda is slowing falling into a dark place of fear and despair. She knows that she is unfit as a mother, because she cannot care for the Child properly. She thinks that maybe she has driven her husband away, even though it is his job to be stationed elsewhere. She feels that there are forces at work that want to drive her crazy. And she is starting to know that road very well…

Linda has times where she thinks she sees hallucinations and can never get any sleep. Linda is becoming more and more useless at working at her job because her own problems are looming so large. Even people who might want to try and help her, like James, become disillusioned at how flaky Linda is every day.

Can someone have a life that is overwhelming that insanity looks to be a viable option? Sure, that can be the case — and for some people that choice is out of their control. But for a woman who is caught up mostly in her own insecurity and anxiety — why is this even a potential outcome? ‘If She Had Brains, She Would Think Of a Better Way’…

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“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is story that has a focus on this ‘Debbie Downer’ character called Linda. But in the capable hands of Rose Byrne, Linda becomes a fully-realized person. It’s maybe not someone you would want in the own ‘friend group’, but Linda has the traits of someone you might meet. Taking this unglamorous role, Byrne makes a bold statement for her character. Will Award Season be around the corner?

The story seems one-sided and always piling life’s troubles into Linda at breakneck speed. She can find no help at any turn. She is trained in therapy, and specifically in the topic that seems to elude Linda the most — Motherhood.

Mary Bronstein has come up with a sad-sack of a story, and is right in the middle of the mix. Not only is she in the writing the screenplay, but she is also the Director — and has cast herself playing the role of a Doctor who is terrible with her patients.

Another interesting twist is the ‘Therapist’, who is played by Conan O’Brien. This is a famous comedian who is given a role that does not even allow him to crack a smile. I think he had secret stash of lemons on set — so he could keep that sour pucker face the whole time. It is sure a contradiction to someone as funny as Conan O’Brien play a character who is as boring as wallpaper.

“If I Had Legs I’d Kick You” is a anxiety-laced trip into a fragile mind of a woman who is slowly falling apart. When she feels down, the world is ready to use those Legs to Kick her.