F9 – Movie Review

Here’s my review of F9 in 40 words or less:

(Scroll down for a longer review)

Cars

Family

Explosions

Cars

Mines

Magnets

Explosions

Family

Family

Macguffin

John Cena

Helen Mirren

Was that Cardi B?

Charlize in a bad wig

Cars

Magnets

More magnets

Explosions

Space

Cars

You heard that right, SPACE!

BBQ

Family

The End

Post-credit sequel tease

F9, which comes with the subtitle “The Fast Saga” just so that you don’t confuse it for a documentary about the function keys on your keyboard, is the 10^th film of a franchise that started 20 years ago. Life in America was simpler then, way before COVID, polarizing social media or the PATRIOT ACT, a time when a young, plucky group of street racers just wanted to high-jack a load of DVD players on its way to Radio Shack. $6 Bazillion dollars later the fate of the world (and theaters) now rests on the heads of those punk street racers. It’s no secret theaters are struggling and they’re largely pinning their hopes on this film along with whatever other blockbusters the studios mercifully decide to release theatrically. So, can F9 save theaters? Is it too much to ask it to do so? Can’t a movie just come out without it having to save cinema (Tenet) or an entire community (In the Heights)?

F9 starts with a flashback where we learn some stuff. And there are other scenes of people talking about stuff. Look, all you need to know is that Dom and Letty, who have been living off-the-grid aka no cellphone coverage have to get the old gang back together again to stop the bad guy because the bad guy is Dom’s brother played by John Cena. He’s a bad guy ‘cuz he wants a half soccer-ball-looking thingy and the other half soccer-ball-looking thingy and together he can do a thing where he controls the world. And that’s bad and since he’s Dom’s brother everyone agrees Dom is the best person to stop him.

The film marks the return of director Justin Lin. Also back are a slew of supporting “fast” characters including some surprises from the unfairly maligned threequel Tokyo Drift. So many characters are back I half expected Paul Walker to appear as a force-ghost in the requisite ending BBQ scene. Charlize Theron is back and agreed to wear a stupid looking wig just so that you forget that her dreadlocks in the previous film we’re cultural appropriation. Helen Mirren is in it ‘cuz she’s badass and can do whatever the hell she wants (yas Queen!) Cardi B is in it for reasons. At least I think it was Cardi B. I don’t really know contemporary pop singers, maybe it was Lizzo or Dua Lipa or Demi Lovato? Point is they packed the film with stars to appeal to every possible demographic. They want this movie to make lots of money, it needs to make lots of money. It already has overseas and now we’ll find out if it does here.

The Fast and Furious movies are for people that think the Mission: Impossible films are too cerebral and have too much story. Cars, scantily-clad women, explosions and one-liners – that’s all we expect and really all we want from a Fast-film. But 9 films in the stunt set pieces seem tired and the one-liners lame. Characters that we’re dead come back to life, bad guys become good guys, plot points in one film are undone in the following. There are no stakes and the laws of physics lost meaning long ago. But is it fun? Ehh, sure in a ridiculous, dumb, noisy kind of way. And if you’re noticing a trend on what films have been coming out during the COVID-era (Godzilla vs Kong, horror films, etc) its no coincidence. Movies that are loud, larger-than-life, made for the big screen and made for people to leave their homes and streaming to get back into the theaters. Is it too much pressure for one film? Probably. Is it just a fun night at the movies? With the right mindset (or enough booze) sure why not.